Climbing Out the Bucket of Crabs
A Bucket of Crabs-A popular metaphor that teaches a lesson of “I can’t have it, neither will you”. This is visually depicted by crabs all caught within a bucket, each equally capable of escaping, but prevented from doing so by all the other crabs who will pull them back into the bucket.
I’ve been training clients for 8 years. I’ve trained a lot of people. Beyond people’s personal doubts in themselves, the biggest obstacle to them improving their health is always the same
Haters. or Crabs, to use the metaphor. Hateful, hating crabs.
And I say this not jokingly. I personally use the term saboteurs, but haters and crabs is an entirely appropriate definition for the people who appear as obstacles to your personal success in your health transformation.
Crabs are not random people though. This is not an essay about how anonymous haters are coming out to stop your “grind” (although that does happen for public figures)
Rather, this speaks to the personal situation that almost everyone deals on some level when they try to improve themselves: your haters are the people closest to you, friends and family and coworkers, or some combination thereof.
Dealing with these people is a subject I never expected to deal with when I first started training. But it became apparent with my very first client that this was going to an ongoing theme. In that case, my client’s Ex husband was trying to use her personal training appointments as proof she was being a bad mother. This was categorically untrue, but she was highly stressed from it, and it made her doubtful whether her gym WAS detracting from time with her daughter.
I found the situation absurd, but she wanted advice. And I, for what would be the first of many times, had to provide some mode of encouragement that personally investing in yourself is not selfish, that people are going to be discouraging, and that you need the ability to say “FUCK YOU” to anyone that tries to prohibit you from improving yourself. Maybe not out loud, necessarily, but certainly in the spirit of it.
And also that your Ex is a POS. Not always, but in this case, yes he is. Repeat that in your head and don’t back down in mediation.
Over the years, as recurrent patterns of behavior emerged. I coined a term for the phenomenon.
Hater Logic=When any form of success or self improvement is attributed to a negative trait, characteristic, or some form of chance that removes any possibility of said success being admirable or worthy of praise, and instead makes it necessary to criticize.
Across a wide variety of scenarios, it looks like something like this, a
Work to become successful=you got lucky
Work to become skillful=you are naturally talented
Work to become masterful=You’re just gifted
Work to become affluent=you must be greedy
Work to become physically fit=You must have great genetics
Work on your body and your appearance=you must be narcissistic
Work to become consistent=You have more time than me
Work to become disciplined=you just have more willpower
Work on eating healthy=be told how HARD that must be for you
The irony is that these will often be disguised as backhanded insults. My personal favorite is the variation
“it must be nice to have so much TIME”
As if your time management is some ingrate quality while implying that you are lazy and spoiled for your actions thereof and undeserving of recognition or gratitude.
The scenarios that these kinds of statements come out of are ENDLESS. And the theme is always the same; whatever good you are trying to do for yourself, its either made out to be a bad thing, or you don’t deserve to think well of yourself for it. In fact, you should probably STOP doing it, if the person was being honest.
Back into the crab bucket you go.
And if you don’t stop willing, these people will often actively try to stop you by becoming MORE discouraging the longer you commit to it. Or engaging in outright blockage of your efforts.
As I said in the past, the fastest way to lose friends and alienate people is to improve yourself.
So I could describe situations in the thousands, there would be no end to You likely know where these people arise in your life.
So what do you do about these people?
The Two Rules for Dealing With Haters
Well, consider the following
-They affect your environment, being around is always toxic
-they affect your actions, because you end reacting to them
-they make you question your capabilities, because their whole attitude is one of doubt & insult
-they undermine your beliefs, which are often fragile when you begin changing them
-they insult your identity, which you are working to change
-they don’t respect your mission, otherwise they wouldnt be so underhanded or outright insulting
So, solution?
Fuck those people.
Yes, it is that simple. No, I am not going to attempt to maturize this advice (i just made up a word there) and give some pseudo therapist answer on handling difficult personalities of friends/family/coworkers through love and understanding and sympathy.
Fuck em, fuck em, fuck em.
Say it with me, it is very freeing, I promise. You know you’ve wanted to say it before.
After saying this, you have two options
1. Cut Them Out and Don’t look back
For the people you can cut out, cut them out. Never speak to them again. This does not have to be dramatic perse. If they ask, you tell them “Out of respect for myself, I feel its best we do not speak and/or carry on our relationship”. Then you excise every shred of memory of them out your life
2. You Draw a Line, and Keep Your Promises to Yourself to Hold that Line
For the people that you cannot reasonably cut out, you establish boundaries. Hard and fast boundaries. If it’s your mother or father, you limit them to one phone call a week, for example. Your sibling, you interact with them on YOUR time, and you hang up the phone when they go on their bully tirade. Those assholes or bitches at work, fuck those guys, you’re not going out for drinks and faking being their friends anymore. Your boundaries may seem draconian to other people, but if they were any good for you this wouldn’t be the situation in the first place.
The boundaries are what kill people, because most people don’t have any. The sense of obligation and people pleasing and keeping the peace supersedes one’s own sense of personal health and wellness. You’ve spent so many years trying to appease people you’ve no idea what is good for you.
Maintaining these boundaries requires you to do something you’ve probably never done, KEEP YOUR WORD, but to yourself.
“For the sake of my health and my family, I’m letting you know that it would be best if we speak on the phone only once a week. This is not a request”
“I’ve know we’ve known each other awhile, but I’m really working on improving my health. I’d rather we not spend time together if all we are going to do is drink/eat/get fucked up on your couch”
Or you can be even more cut and dry
“I have other priorities, and this is not one of them. I am sorry, but I am not giving this any more time”
And then you do EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID.
But It’s Not That Simple!
But it is that serious. And I’d argue that it IS that simple.
What you are protesting agains is that it is not EASY.
You know what is easy? Getting walked all over. So If your way of living worked, it would have already worked and you wouldn’t be reading equal parts pissed off and sad and frustrated and coming up with excuses as to why this cannot apply.
You know what you need to do.
Do it. Or Don’t.
Choice is yours.
